Denial....it's not just a river in Egypt.
And that is why I am admitting I have a problem. Admitting is the first step in recovery right?
I am a pessimist.
I've kind of known that about myself, but never thought of it as a big deal. I'm not enthusiastic, I'm not a cheerleader, in fact I'm down right sarcastic about other peoples accomplishments sometimes. (I say sometimes, I'm not completely heartless!)
I realized I have a real problem when I had a dream the other night. Theo and I were walking along some remote lakeside, hand in hand. (Maybe my subconsciousness is getting excited about our anniversary get away next month...can't wait!) Then straight out of some romantic movie Theo swoops me off the ground in his arms and we are twirling around laughing out of pure happiness and joy. Then quite suddenly I stop and say, "Something bad is going to happen, I don't like being this happy because something is going to ruin it."
My dream immediately turned into what had the potential to be a nightmare that I woke myself up from before it could really turn to that.
I have a real problem when even in my dreams I can be that cynical. I had the potential to really be happy and I couldn't do it. It's weird because I am happy in real life, but I have this looming fear that because my life is so rosy that something bad is going to happen and turn my world upside down.
Because of that fear I have turned into a real pessimist. I apologize for so many postings blubbering about my blubber. I realize that I need to be thankful for a body that can do what I ask it to do instead of punishing it for not looking the way I want it to look. I'm afraid now that if I don't start appreciating what I have then it will be taken away from me.
So instead of being a negative nanny I'm going to work on conquering my flaws with a positive persona. My cousin posted THIS article on HER BLOG, and within the first paragraph it says;
"people who make positive thinking and laughter a key goal in their lives tend to experience more daily success and happiness than anyone else."
This will be my midyear resolution, to approach life with more positive thinking and laughter. And with this change I really hope....no, I know (bad habits are hard to break) I'll be able to accomplish my goals.
Happy 43rd Birthday Matt!
5 months ago